No date -- Just a memory.

I always hear people say that a year really isn't a long time. To someone whose entire life can take a turn in the opposite direction within two weeks, I'd have to disagree.

It's Valentine's Day today. I remember a year ago, when life was what I had convinced myself I wanted. I didn't.
Kellie took me out to dinner at the nicest restaurant in town (though that's not saying much). I couldn't say what we ate or what we wore or what I was thinking. I probably wasn't thinking at all. She did that for me.
We took a walk on the docks before the Sweetheart Dance. That's when she told me a story about a dream she had had. I was there for her the day her grandmother died. And in her dream, Kellie's grandmother told her that I was the one, and she shouldn't let me go.
So Kellie opened a small box, revealing a gold heart-shaped necklace with diamonds and rubies along the sides. A little piece of paper cut into another heard read, "Marry me." And she looked at me expectantly.
My first thought was, "I don't wear gold." Followed by a superficial bubbling of joy, which spilled over into my ecstatic response of "YES!!" More than anything, I remember my heart filling with a sensation from the core outward...Ice. I could literally feel my heart freezing into this complacent lie. There was no escaping anymore.
I spent every moment that night feigning happiness as I informed my friends of the big news. It was interesting to note those who knew me well enough to look at me suspiciously. Some even asked if this was what I really wanted. I doubt any of them believed me, but they left it alone.
I could still feel my heart in my chest, barely able to beat once it had become like crystal, frozen over and fragile enough to shatter at a word. I told myself it was fear of commitment. Truly it was terror of spending a lifetime with her. She was already forcing me to devote every iota of my spare time to her. What happened when we lived together, were legally bound? Would I ever get away from her bitter shouts, angry admonishments, over-played apologies, painful grip on my wrists?

I came to my senses a couple weeks later. Thank God. I would probably be dead by now, by her or my own hand.
I still have that necklace. It's on my bulletin board at this very moment. Maybe I'll sell it someday (I always wondered if it's real).
But until then, it serves as a reminder of a time when I was almost willing to let go of myself, this beautiful person I knew I could be, in order to live the twisted storybook romance I wanted to believe in, when really I was trapped in a nightmare.

I sometimes regret "wasting" a year of my life with her. Then I recall how much I learned about myself, and the life I'm going to live. That's something I couldn't trade.